I think we need couples therapy…but what does that look like?😳
This is a question I get asked often. Many people have a fear and discomfort around what will happen in the process of couples therapy. I have heard pre-existing beliefs from clients such as “it could make the relationship worse”, or “all you do is talk about your feelings”, or “I don’t want to be blamed or the focus put on me and what I’m doing/not doing”. I get it—these beliefs don’t exactly warm someone to the idea of giving couples work a try! What’s important to realize is that these beliefs stem from messages we’ve heard that are merely others’ perceptions of couples therapy. They could also be a reflection of our own fears. If we have not tried it ourselves, we simply don’t know how we would feel about the experience.
Over the past year, I have seen a significant increase in the need for couples therapy. Many couples are reaching out for the first time. Many are feeling fatigued in the relationship and frustrated with ineffective communication and conflict. Their intimacy is not where they want it to be (or in some cases, nonexistent), and they are feeling stuck. While they felt able to mitigate and manage these things in the past, they now feel unable to do this. These feelings can lead to a sense of hopelessness, which is a risk indicator for a relationship.
We want and desire for our relationship to be our safe place, our refuge, our place for recharge and renewal, and a place for levity when the world feels heavy. As you can imagine, this desire has been magnified in the last couple years. The cumulative stress has resulted in us having high expectations for our partners, maybe more than typical and sometimes a bit unrealistic. Tack on any stress preexisting that and, well, life has been hard lately, dang it! We need some oxytocin or serotonin or endorphins to ease the pain of it. These things get released when we feel connected to our partner, have intimacy of any sort, or even laugh with them. So we CRAVE it and what’s worse, we get frustrated when we don’t have it!
Couples therapy takes these things into consideration. It looks at how the relationship is navigating the current times and the responsibilities of life. It looks at how the couple engages and yes, even how they have conflict (which many don’t realize is a form of intimacy!). It teaches the couple how to recognize their needs in order to verbalize them, while also equipping the couple with “best practices” for effective communication. It looks for barriers or wounds that prevent growth and healing. The important thing to remember is that the RELATIONSHIP is the “client” here, and the therapist and couple are working toward the same goal—solidifying the strength and health of the relationship!
Your marriage or committed relationship is your greatest investment. If given the time and energy it needs to cultivate, it can yield a fulfillment that may very well be what you are missing right now. Couples therapy can be a vehicle that takes you to a place of synergy and harmony with your partner. It is through the discomfort of change where things can then become what they were meant to be. Here’s to couples finding this in 2022!
