Layers of Emotions

Did you know that we have different layers of emotions? Our emotions are deep, personal, and core to who we are and how we understand and relate to the world and people around us. This is why emotion intelligence is key to our overall functioning in life and relationships. If you haven’t learned or heard about primary and secondary emotions, keep reading! 😁

When an external event happens, we are activated internally. One of the first things to get activated is our emotions. Our PRIMARY emotions are the most organic part of our experience. They are a direct result of the event. They vary in category and intensity. If we (and our brain) register discomfort or danger in our primary emotions, our SECONDARY emotions may kick in. Our secondary layer of emotions can be considered our defensive, self protective layer. Secondary emotions are real, meaning we are really feeling them, however the primary emotions are buried underneath. I think of secondary emotions as entering, wearing a cape, and saying “I will protect you!”. Problem is, what they can also do is push others away and keep us guarded. They can cause an adrenaline surge or a shut down/shut out of sorts (think fight, flight, or freeze).

Let’s look at a few examples:

You have a disagreement with your partner about a difficult topic. You are feeling incredibly misunderstood and dismissed (primary), and then you get frustrated (secondary).

While driving, someone cuts you off suddenly and even flips you off! Fear kicks in and you feel disrespected (primary), and this makes you incredibly angry (secondary).

You get called out by your boss on a mistake you made, and you feel embarrassed and incompetent (primary). This prompts you to feel shame (secondary).

You have been feeling neglected and ignored (both primary) by your spouse. Spouse informs you that they want to go hang out with friends over the weekend, and this makes you jealous (secondary).

You and your sibling got into an argument weeks ago and they have yet to reach out to mend things. This feels very hurtful (primary), because you feel like they don’t care, and this prompts you to feel resentment (secondary).

Hopefully as you read through these examples you can see how our emotions are so core to our experience AND how quickly our secondary emotions can kick in. For some people who aren’t connected to or aware of their emotions, they might not even recognize that they felt primary emotions before the secondary kicked in. They may only recognize the anger, frustration, or resentment. If we refuse to name our primary emotions or let ourselves feel them, we are missing out on vital information about ourselves. We may not be able to understand our secondary emotions or where they are coming from. The more we explore our emotions, the more we begin to realize that there is SPACE between our primary and secondary emotions. We begin to develop a tolerance for uncomfortable emotions. We may learn that we don’t have to be so reactive and defensive all the time—unless we are truly being chased by a wild animal or shadow in a dark alley 😱.

While our emotions aren’t always going to seem logical or even mature, it’s important that we don’t judge them (or ourselves for having them). They will work themselves through if we allow them to! While we can’t control what we feel, we can control what we do and think about what we feel. This is emotion intelligence! This is understanding ourselves. This is what allows us to become better versions of ourselves, which translates to who and how we are as partners, spouses, parents, family members, friends, coworkers, etc. This is the type of emotion work that will benefit us all on macro and micro levels!

So see? Emotions aren’t for the weak—they are for those who choose to live bravely, wisely, and wholeheartedly!